I like daylight savings time. I love having the light in the evenings during the summer. It makes the baseball games much more pleasant not to mention how much more time you can play with or have the kids play outside. It’s a sign of spring. Loosing that hour in the spring is quite a pain but I really do like having the daylight hours match the sunlight.
In case you haven’t noticed (and believe me some of you haven’t). (Well actually. Now that I think about those who will probably be reading this, I have to take that back. I’m sure all of you, that I know that will see this, HAVE noticed so let me try this whole paragraph again.)
In case you haven’t noticed (and believe me there are potentially some people who might possibly one day read this page who haven’t noticed) this year the daylight savings time has been extended. It start earlier in the spring and it ends later in the fall. This by itself is nice. If you are in charge of patching a Microsoft Exchange server or two – it’s definitely not nice.
Let me explain: In order to patch the Windows 2000 clients – I had to update them to the latest security patch level and run some regedits.
In order to patch the Windows XP clients – I had to update them to the latest patch levels by running the Windows Update utility.
In order to patch the Apple OSX clients – I had to update them to the latest patch levels by running the Software Update utility.
In order to patch the Windows 2000 servers – I had to update them to the latest security patch levels and run some regedits.
In order to patch the Windows 2003 servers – I had to update them to the latest patch levels by running the Windows Update utility.
In order to update Exchange Server 2003 – I had to download and install the Exchange calendar update tool and download and install the TZMOVE.exe tool and download and install the patch to the TZMOVE.exe tool. Then run the MSextmzcfg.exe to extract all calendar data from the server we were working on. Run the batch file that produced. Then edit the .ini file associated with the batch file to include a different flag and run the batch file again. Then edit the mailboxes.txt (which is the data file associated with the batch file) file to include all the files that the MSextmzcfg.exe tool marked as non-existing. Re-run the batch file….twice, once with each option from before. Then edit by hand a new mailbox.txt file with the names of any resource mailboxes on your server, edit the ini file with a secret undocumented flag and run the batch file again to update resources. Then go to the exchange server and make sure that it is patched to the latest service pack level, and download and install the CDO update (why they call it CDO I’ll never know). In my case this update returned the result that I wasn’t patched to SP2 even though I clearly was. Beat head against wall. Discover that because I did an in-place upgrade from Windows Server 2000 to Windows Server 2003 that there are three registry keys that need to be deleted. Remove the keys, reinstall Exchange SP2, re-run the Exchange CDO update, and reboot the exchange server. Open up outlook and manually check your calendar – notice that almost all of your appointments have been changed to reflect the date correctly but a few haven’t. Open each of the wrong ones manually, click the recurring tab, click OK, click save. Do that for each one that is wrong and you are done.
*starts singing* Which one of these is not like the other, which one is different, can you tell? */stops singing*
I think I’ve found what castle I need to storm. I’m pretty sure I can find pitchforks, torches and mobs of other to help me. But first I need to go and do this whole process on the other server.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Monday, March 05, 2007
SHOULD HAVE BELIEVED
I like spooky stories.
I’ve watched a few episodes of the X-Files over the years. I mean, really, who hasn’t? They are, or at least were, heavily syndicated and they made like 7 seasons worth of shows. I almost always enjoyed the show but never really got into it – for quite a number of reasons, most of which were dumb and involved me caving in. Anyhooo…..
I put the first season on my Netflix account and I received the first disk the other Friday. Perfect timing, I had shows to watch over the weekend. After having had a chance to watch the pilot episode and the first several series episodes I have been smacking my forehead going “Why didn’t I watch this?”
Hmmm, that’s not very clear. Let me rephrase. I really really really really really liked the first disk. The shows were clever and well written. The acting is surprisingly good for a pilot episode. The music was perfectly fitted to the pacing of the episodes. The stories were spooky and intelligent enough to treat the non-rational aspects of the show seriously and yet not crazily.
Hmmmmm, maybe that’s not very clear either. Let me try this. I think it would be _fun_ to believe that there are spookies and beasties, and monsters and aliens and all sorts of weirdness out in the world. It would be better than knowing that so many of the bad things that are done to people are done by other people. Plus stories about monsters and beasties are fun because they create an attitude of “let’s beat the monster”. Sometimes we all want to be part of the mob of townsfolk with our torches and pitchforks.
These episodes of the X-Files were well enough written to appeal to that part of me that wants to believe and yet also allowed for the viewpoint that things could possibly be completely rationally explained – it’s just that our understanding wasn’t good enough. In other words, they captured the FUN of letting yourself believe in something fantastic – without preaching that it’s true.
Contrast this to Art Bell and George Noorys radio shows called “Coast to Coast AM”. These people also talk about the beasties and the strange and the aliens and the unbelievable and yet they portray an attitude of "it is all real and those that don’t believe are simply deluded". I do enjoy listening to this show from time to time but it is fascinating to hear these earnest believers call in but I wouldn’t say its fun. It's more like watching a train wreck to me - I just cant stop once it starts.
X-Files captured the fun of the fantastical. I think they will need more than that to sustain my interest for long but they have already laid the ground work for some interesting character development and for a meta-story involving Mulders place in the FBI and how Scully relates to him. All in all it was a promising beginning to a show and extremely entertaining. I’ve bumped disk two up in my queue and hope to be watching it soon.
I can’t believe I waited so long to look into this program. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go find my pitchfork and see if I can agitate a mob up to storm a castle.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
FILTER OF IRRATIONALITY
All the stuff we think about is filtered through our perceptions and it quite often may have nothing to do with being rational. Take my last rant on turn based games verses real time click fest games. (See I can’t even describe the rant without my prejudices showing through). Some people would say that I’m irrationally biased against the newer style of games because of my enjoyment of the old games. You know what? They might be right – or at least it may be part of why I like turn based games better.
I talked with a friend the other day who illustrated the point perfectly. This friend who is facing a minor medial procedure told me about her nervousness with needles because of an experience she had as a child in a doctors office. The experience was a once in a life time type happening but because it did happen to her anytime that a situation in life comes up that resembles that childhood experience her filters interpret it as scary.
We all have filters. If we don’t accept that and learn what they are we are doomed to be ruled by our own filters.
I have a filter that I secretly fear that everyone I care about will leave me. It’s an irrational fear. It’s based on a real experience from my childhood when my mother passed away after a bout with cancer. It is silly to think that all my friends and loved ones will also just go away but the hidden three year old in my mind IS irrational and to him that irrational fear is no less real.
I’m a grown up now. (OK I know people who would disagree with that.) (OK some more, even sometimes I would disagree with that because I like being silly and childish sometimes.) But the point is that I’m capable of re-filtering my filters by consciously choosing to acknowledge them and then deal with them in the way that a child never could. I can rationally examine my relationships and conclude that people aren’t going to just abandon me and even if people do choose to move on it’s not my fault since everyone gets to make their own choices for themselves.
I think that is the only way to counter the way our brains will automatically perceive the world. We must consciously accept our biases and then choose to counter them or not.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
TAKING MY TURN
For the last several weeks my desktop wallpaper is some artwork that was used in Fallout. I picked it because I have been wishing lately for a chance to play an old style turn based combat game. Something Coyote just said really made these thought crystallize for me today. I’m really not a fan of the current click-until-one-of-you-dies style of game play. I never enjoyed Diablo or any of its many, many, many clones. I’m talking about old style – X:COM, Jagged Alliance, Fallout style games. I really miss them.
I don’t know of any games that would scratch that particular psychic itch. David Moffat of Ausgamedev.com has created a game called Omega Syndrome that may help. I almost installed my current copy the other day but decided to contact him about recent updates. He said he is about to release a final version really soon now so I’m waiting for him for now.
I also own the games mentioned above but I’m not desperate enough yet to figure out how to make them play on a current system since they are all fairly old games. I’m sure that I would be saddened to get them running only to realize how dated they look now. Even while enjoying them I’m sure I’d wish that someone would create a game with that style but using current production values.
I know I’m in the minority here. Obviously the clicky games are popular because they sell – and they must sell because people like them.
It’s enough to make me think: why don’t I like them when everyone else does?
I can think of some things that answer that. Clicky games don’t lend themselves to parties. Clicky games take away the repeated tactical puzzle element of combat. Clicky games seem to fast.
I enjoy putting together a group to explore the game world with. This may only be for nostalgic reasons but I remember one of my favorite parts of early RPG games was deciding which four characters I would create or take along with me as I entered the game. One aspect of the early Ultima games I loved was looking around for each of the familiar party members and getting them to join the group for one more crack at saving Britannia. One of the reasons that Ultima 7: Serpent Isle ranks so high on my favorite-o-meter is that early in the game an important member of your party is separated from you in a dramatic fashion and you spend a chunk of the game figuring out how to rescue him. I guess I’m just a grouper. And while that makes me sound very fish like I mean instead one that likes playing in a group even if the group is all imaginary friends.
Another aspect of the old style I like is the puzzle element. I spent hours working on the squaddies in X:COM trying to get the perfect blend of small arms, heavy arms and skills into one squad. I’d compare statistics and load outs between different squads and see which one worked best in what situation. Even with all that optimization there would come moments like when I’ve just come up against a new alien with some new capability and all my careful balancing work is now useless because three of the squaddies have just been brain-eaten and turned into bad guys and now I have a whole new tactical environment and need to figure out what to do next or I’m about to loose the mission. The thrill of puzzling out what to do and how to do it was satisfying. Clicky games seem to remove all of the tactical elements from combat instead replacing them with strategic choices of what do I equip my characters with before meeting up with the bad guys and clicking my mouse button as fast as I can. Strategic elements are fun – X:COM again displays that well between building and provisioning your bases all they way down to equipping your response teams but when combat begins I really want tactics to be important. Tactics are NOT: how well I can manipulate my mouse and keyboard but rather important choices in how I allocate the finite resources available to me and how I respond to the situation as I work through the mission. These are choices that do not lend themselves well to rapid clicking in a real time game – in fact they become silly in real time combat style games. Only in turn based games are you truly capable of implementing effective tactical solutions to evolving game play.
Now I have to admit that I haven’t played very many of the new style clicky games. I did play Diablo and I played Dungeon Siege. I didn’t really enjoy either one and never finished either. And I haven’t had much good to think about that style of game play since then. They felt to fast – to simple – to repetitive to remain interesting for long to me. Maybe there are new ones that have over come these problems and if there are I hope someone will let me know what they are.
I don’t know of any games that would scratch that particular psychic itch. David Moffat of Ausgamedev.com has created a game called Omega Syndrome that may help. I almost installed my current copy the other day but decided to contact him about recent updates. He said he is about to release a final version really soon now so I’m waiting for him for now.
I also own the games mentioned above but I’m not desperate enough yet to figure out how to make them play on a current system since they are all fairly old games. I’m sure that I would be saddened to get them running only to realize how dated they look now. Even while enjoying them I’m sure I’d wish that someone would create a game with that style but using current production values.
I know I’m in the minority here. Obviously the clicky games are popular because they sell – and they must sell because people like them.
It’s enough to make me think: why don’t I like them when everyone else does?
I can think of some things that answer that. Clicky games don’t lend themselves to parties. Clicky games take away the repeated tactical puzzle element of combat. Clicky games seem to fast.
I enjoy putting together a group to explore the game world with. This may only be for nostalgic reasons but I remember one of my favorite parts of early RPG games was deciding which four characters I would create or take along with me as I entered the game. One aspect of the early Ultima games I loved was looking around for each of the familiar party members and getting them to join the group for one more crack at saving Britannia. One of the reasons that Ultima 7: Serpent Isle ranks so high on my favorite-o-meter is that early in the game an important member of your party is separated from you in a dramatic fashion and you spend a chunk of the game figuring out how to rescue him. I guess I’m just a grouper. And while that makes me sound very fish like I mean instead one that likes playing in a group even if the group is all imaginary friends.
Another aspect of the old style I like is the puzzle element. I spent hours working on the squaddies in X:COM trying to get the perfect blend of small arms, heavy arms and skills into one squad. I’d compare statistics and load outs between different squads and see which one worked best in what situation. Even with all that optimization there would come moments like when I’ve just come up against a new alien with some new capability and all my careful balancing work is now useless because three of the squaddies have just been brain-eaten and turned into bad guys and now I have a whole new tactical environment and need to figure out what to do next or I’m about to loose the mission. The thrill of puzzling out what to do and how to do it was satisfying. Clicky games seem to remove all of the tactical elements from combat instead replacing them with strategic choices of what do I equip my characters with before meeting up with the bad guys and clicking my mouse button as fast as I can. Strategic elements are fun – X:COM again displays that well between building and provisioning your bases all they way down to equipping your response teams but when combat begins I really want tactics to be important. Tactics are NOT: how well I can manipulate my mouse and keyboard but rather important choices in how I allocate the finite resources available to me and how I respond to the situation as I work through the mission. These are choices that do not lend themselves well to rapid clicking in a real time game – in fact they become silly in real time combat style games. Only in turn based games are you truly capable of implementing effective tactical solutions to evolving game play.
Now I have to admit that I haven’t played very many of the new style clicky games. I did play Diablo and I played Dungeon Siege. I didn’t really enjoy either one and never finished either. And I haven’t had much good to think about that style of game play since then. They felt to fast – to simple – to repetitive to remain interesting for long to me. Maybe there are new ones that have over come these problems and if there are I hope someone will let me know what they are.
Monday, February 19, 2007
ESSAYS ON SERENITY
I read a fun book over the last few days. It was called Finding Serenity. It is a compilation of essays about the short lived Joss Wheden show Firefly. The book was edited by Glenn Yeffeth and Jane Espenson although on my copy at least the cover only lists Jane Espenson.
I liked the show Firefly – it was clever and quirky and odd and seemed to fit me really well. I loved the characters even when I hated the characters because sometimes they drove me nuts. Kaylee was just the cutest engineer ever and Wash was hysterical and Shepherd Book was calm and mysterious and each character had something great going for them.
The real charm of the show for me was the way the characters interacted with each other. It wasn’t exactly a functional crew but they did manage to get by and they did so in a believable way. I loved the essential humanness of each character, they all had flaws and defects but they were also vibrant and good and caring too.
The essays in this book gave me pause to think about the show again. One of the things that struck me most about the essays was how many different positions people could take. One author applauded the show for creating such strong female characters while another ripped on the show for creating such weak female characters. I wasn’t sure for a while which show I had watched after reading those two essays. After consideration I think that both authors were right. It goes back to what I was saying before about humanness.
No person is strong at all times and in all ways – any more than someone is always weak. Each REAL person is a blend of good and bad, strong and weak, brave and cowardly, dumb and smart. That is one of the things that makes us all human – and I think essentially lovable. That is why the characters on this show were loveable. If they were always perfect there would be no opening to love them when they struggle with their problems or overcome a character flaw.
One of the other essays concerned the music of the show. I was surprised to see how much analysis this person was able to pull out of the soundtrack especially since I usually listen to soundtracks and try to find themes for particular characters or situations. Sometimes I get so involved in the music I miss parts of the show and have to mentally or physically rewind to catch the actual dialog. Sometimes the music is more fun than the actual show itself. In any case the essay on the music made me really think about what can be conveyed audibly and yet without words – the next time I catch an episode of Firefly I’m going to listen for these queues.
The highlight essay of the book was done by Jewel Staite in which she picks five memories from each episode to share. The most interesting thing about this essay is that either she was channeling her character Kaylee or she is truly a happy bubbly person since a feeling of that personality type came through very strongly. The memories she shared were almost invariably something that made her laugh out loud or something that she really liked about one of the other actors. She came across as a fun person in the essay much like her character comes across in the show.
In any case – the book was quite enjoyable to read. If you are looking for nostalgia hit from the show this would be a fun book to check out.
I liked the show Firefly – it was clever and quirky and odd and seemed to fit me really well. I loved the characters even when I hated the characters because sometimes they drove me nuts. Kaylee was just the cutest engineer ever and Wash was hysterical and Shepherd Book was calm and mysterious and each character had something great going for them.
The real charm of the show for me was the way the characters interacted with each other. It wasn’t exactly a functional crew but they did manage to get by and they did so in a believable way. I loved the essential humanness of each character, they all had flaws and defects but they were also vibrant and good and caring too.
The essays in this book gave me pause to think about the show again. One of the things that struck me most about the essays was how many different positions people could take. One author applauded the show for creating such strong female characters while another ripped on the show for creating such weak female characters. I wasn’t sure for a while which show I had watched after reading those two essays. After consideration I think that both authors were right. It goes back to what I was saying before about humanness.
No person is strong at all times and in all ways – any more than someone is always weak. Each REAL person is a blend of good and bad, strong and weak, brave and cowardly, dumb and smart. That is one of the things that makes us all human – and I think essentially lovable. That is why the characters on this show were loveable. If they were always perfect there would be no opening to love them when they struggle with their problems or overcome a character flaw.
One of the other essays concerned the music of the show. I was surprised to see how much analysis this person was able to pull out of the soundtrack especially since I usually listen to soundtracks and try to find themes for particular characters or situations. Sometimes I get so involved in the music I miss parts of the show and have to mentally or physically rewind to catch the actual dialog. Sometimes the music is more fun than the actual show itself. In any case the essay on the music made me really think about what can be conveyed audibly and yet without words – the next time I catch an episode of Firefly I’m going to listen for these queues.
The highlight essay of the book was done by Jewel Staite in which she picks five memories from each episode to share. The most interesting thing about this essay is that either she was channeling her character Kaylee or she is truly a happy bubbly person since a feeling of that personality type came through very strongly. The memories she shared were almost invariably something that made her laugh out loud or something that she really liked about one of the other actors. She came across as a fun person in the essay much like her character comes across in the show.
In any case – the book was quite enjoyable to read. If you are looking for nostalgia hit from the show this would be a fun book to check out.
Friday, February 16, 2007
TRY IT YOU MIGHT LIKE IT
I didn’t know MSN would display my iTunes songs!
I use MSN Messenger for my contacts. It works pretty well and I’ve created groups for friend and work contacts. I’ve fiddled with the options and fonts and colors and I find it works for me pretty well. I have set up messenger windows so my friends show up in their own colored window. I know lots of people use Trillian or some other type of multi-service application but MSN has worked for me. Recently MSN has started a beta program where I can actually contact people using Yahoo messenger right through my MSN. I expect that more and more messenger clients will trend towards universal availability.
I also use iTunes. I love iTunes. I think it’s a killer app especially since I also have an iPod that I also love. For several months I didn’t have an iPod and it drove me nuts. I listen to it in the car and every once in a while when falling asleep. I am thrilled with the ability to have ALL my music with me in once convenient package. The Apple DRM model I’m not thrilled with especially with respect to the movies and TV shows available on their site. If I buy a video I don’t want to be restricted on where I’ll play it back so I will stick with DVDs as my purchases for now since they are easily converted to play on my iPod or computer or where ever I want to but the reverse is most definitely not true. That, though, is a thought for another day.
MSN Messenger has a spot for a personal message that you can type in that to share with all of your contacts. I love this idea as a method of customizing the experience and sharing how you are feeling right now. I love these but I really have a hard time when it comes to typing in my own. For a while I had “cuddly yet astringent”. This was from a comment that someone made to me that I enjoyed. I’ve tried movie quotes and song quotes but filling out that blank box is almost as hard as coming up with a name for a character for me. I usually just leave it blank.
MSN Messenger, like lots of IM clients has a “Show What I’m Listening To” button. I’ve seen it used before by people in my contact list. Their personal message would display the name of the song that was currently playing on their computer and the artist that is performing it. I always looked at that option while agonizing over what to put in my personal message space and wish it would work with my iTunes. HERE IS THE IMPORTANT PART: I never tried it – I just wished it would work for me. I made the assumption that it would not since I was using a Microsoft IM client and an Apple music player.
HERE IS THE POINT OF THE IMPORTANT PART: I was wrong. It totally works together. I never even tried and just moped about wishing it would work for me without finding out. I was astounded the other day when I turned it on and it worked. I didn’t have to tell it what my music player was or anything it just worked!
As a person I have a tendency to get stuck in a rut doing things one way and one way only. I am reasonably risk adverse and definitely a comfort seeker so doing things the usual way usually feels good to me.
The experience of MSN Messenger and iTunes just WORKING together when I never thought they would is a good lesson for me. Try things. It’s ok. Sometimes they will work and I’ll be pleased. Sometimes they won’t work and I won’t be any worse off than I was before. Sometimes it’s the little reminders that make the big differences.
I use MSN Messenger for my contacts. It works pretty well and I’ve created groups for friend and work contacts. I’ve fiddled with the options and fonts and colors and I find it works for me pretty well. I have set up messenger windows so my friends show up in their own colored window. I know lots of people use Trillian or some other type of multi-service application but MSN has worked for me. Recently MSN has started a beta program where I can actually contact people using Yahoo messenger right through my MSN. I expect that more and more messenger clients will trend towards universal availability.
I also use iTunes. I love iTunes. I think it’s a killer app especially since I also have an iPod that I also love. For several months I didn’t have an iPod and it drove me nuts. I listen to it in the car and every once in a while when falling asleep. I am thrilled with the ability to have ALL my music with me in once convenient package. The Apple DRM model I’m not thrilled with especially with respect to the movies and TV shows available on their site. If I buy a video I don’t want to be restricted on where I’ll play it back so I will stick with DVDs as my purchases for now since they are easily converted to play on my iPod or computer or where ever I want to but the reverse is most definitely not true. That, though, is a thought for another day.
MSN Messenger has a spot for a personal message that you can type in that to share with all of your contacts. I love this idea as a method of customizing the experience and sharing how you are feeling right now. I love these but I really have a hard time when it comes to typing in my own. For a while I had “cuddly yet astringent”. This was from a comment that someone made to me that I enjoyed. I’ve tried movie quotes and song quotes but filling out that blank box is almost as hard as coming up with a name for a character for me. I usually just leave it blank.
MSN Messenger, like lots of IM clients has a “Show What I’m Listening To” button. I’ve seen it used before by people in my contact list. Their personal message would display the name of the song that was currently playing on their computer and the artist that is performing it. I always looked at that option while agonizing over what to put in my personal message space and wish it would work with my iTunes. HERE IS THE IMPORTANT PART: I never tried it – I just wished it would work for me. I made the assumption that it would not since I was using a Microsoft IM client and an Apple music player.
HERE IS THE POINT OF THE IMPORTANT PART: I was wrong. It totally works together. I never even tried and just moped about wishing it would work for me without finding out. I was astounded the other day when I turned it on and it worked. I didn’t have to tell it what my music player was or anything it just worked!
As a person I have a tendency to get stuck in a rut doing things one way and one way only. I am reasonably risk adverse and definitely a comfort seeker so doing things the usual way usually feels good to me.
The experience of MSN Messenger and iTunes just WORKING together when I never thought they would is a good lesson for me. Try things. It’s ok. Sometimes they will work and I’ll be pleased. Sometimes they won’t work and I won’t be any worse off than I was before. Sometimes it’s the little reminders that make the big differences.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
PLOT HAMMER
I don’t mind being forced into a story. Usually. Let’s face it I’m playing a game because I like stories. I expect my games to have a story to tell and I don’t have a need to try and break out of the story somehow (like by trying to kill Lord British or slaughtering everyone in Cyrodiil which is the typical way people like to break out of stories in games) – I’d much rather enjoy the story.
The more “serious” the game the more I expect a good story. I was playing Dungeons and Dragons Online the other night and we were observing how the doors to rooms would open just as soon as the last monster in the room was killed. Coyote was wondering what magical spell those doors were based on. I’m pretty sure that the spell would be Mordenkinens Plot Hammer. In a game like DDO which is essentially group whack-a-mole I don’t mind it. We’re just there to have a little fun together. I don’t expect much from the story or the world in an MMORPG. Other games particularly stand alone single player games I expect more from. Some stories are not enjoyable and that is annoying enough to break my suspension of disbelief and begin to resent the plot hammer. Another time is when it’s just do darn FAKE that I can’t take it anymore. These are mistakes in games where there is an expectation of quality story telling and a believable world.
Neverwinter Nights 2 is for the most part a fun game. I have mostly found the stand alone game to be plesant to play. Your milage may vary. I’ve had some gripes about being forced into a play style of “kill ‘em all and let Pelor sort them out” when I’d rather try some sneaking around or some sort of subtle approach to the game. And I have run into two bugs during my playing of the game (I’m currently in Act III – attempting to win the trust of the IronFist clan) but neither of them has been game stopping in any way although both were somewhat annoying.
TANGENT: The first was a looping cinematic scene that made fighting the actual battle that started immediately after the movie very difficult to do. Move two steps, start casting a spell, watch the movie again clicking on all the dialog options again, finish the spell, select another party member, watch the movie again clicking on all the dialog options again, open the inventory and select an item to use, try to target the item but….. watch the movie again clicking on all the same dialog options …again. Anyway, that was irritating but not critical.
LESS OF A TANGENT: The second bug was less odd. At one point I noticed I had a quest in my quest log I didn’t remember getting – and in fact the quest log told me to report back to someone because I’d found the mighty weapon it mentioned. Huh? I had no idea what it was talking about. I tracked down the person who had supposedly given me the quest and he went through a dialog tree that was apparently supposed to set that quest. The quest log stayed at the “return and report” message though. I eventually stumbled into an area with a big baddie and after defeating it I was treated to a little dialog that apparently was the weapon mentioned in the quest. Hurray! Ummmm except for one minor problem. It was the exact same weapon that I had JUST BOUGHT at the vendor right next to the guy who gave me the quest in the first place.
That’s right I went on a quest to obtain a holy weapon that I had just bought. Didn’t someone tell this guy there were two of them? Couldn’t he have said something like – go on this quest to get this holy weapon that is oddly just like the one in your hand right there because you are going to need at least one of them later? I mean really. *sigh*
Well the fact is that he couldn’t have done that because the story in NWN2 is on rails. The choices in NWN2 are limited to what companions you take with you (sometimes), what you equip your character with, and which few side quests there are that you do first. I had to go get the bad guy with the weapon in order to advance the story. It turns out that the weapon quest is a small value side quest for certain character classes. I was going to have that exact same fight in that exact same place and way - no matter what I did.
The other time the plot hammer really irks me in NWN2 is the out doors areas. Most of these areas look terrific and have a lot of character. However, after a while you begin to notice that the outdoors areas are all of two types – a big meadow surrounded by impenetrable barriers and narrow twisty trails surrounded by impenetrable barriers. I really enjoy exploring and every time I’m in an outdoor area in NWN2 I’m forcibly reminded how I can not. The indoors areas work very well in the game and have been one of the strengths of the game so far but almost every time I’m outside I feel irritated that I have to go here along this one particular little trail to get to where I’m going.
I am familiar enough with gaming and even some game development to see why the designers have created the game this way. It all comes down to the economics in the end – there has to be x amount of content and it has to fit together somehow and in between that there is tons of details like AI and world databases and spiffy effects so in all of that balancing it’s easy to make the choice of “ok the player can go here but not there because it’s easier for us to make it work that way”. I see that – and usually I’m forgiving of that. I’m willing to work with the designers because I bought the game to have fun. And it bugs me when something jars me out of the “fun zone” while I’m playing.
Looking back over this I think the whole point of the post was to say: Mordenkinens Plot Hammer. Oh well. Now I’ve said it twice so I should be good to go.
The moral of the story is: immersion is good in a game or any story telling device. And things that disrupt immersion are then, by definition, bad for the vehicle. Poorly wielded plot hammers will break immersion.
The more “serious” the game the more I expect a good story. I was playing Dungeons and Dragons Online the other night and we were observing how the doors to rooms would open just as soon as the last monster in the room was killed. Coyote was wondering what magical spell those doors were based on. I’m pretty sure that the spell would be Mordenkinens Plot Hammer. In a game like DDO which is essentially group whack-a-mole I don’t mind it. We’re just there to have a little fun together. I don’t expect much from the story or the world in an MMORPG. Other games particularly stand alone single player games I expect more from. Some stories are not enjoyable and that is annoying enough to break my suspension of disbelief and begin to resent the plot hammer. Another time is when it’s just do darn FAKE that I can’t take it anymore. These are mistakes in games where there is an expectation of quality story telling and a believable world.
Neverwinter Nights 2 is for the most part a fun game. I have mostly found the stand alone game to be plesant to play. Your milage may vary. I’ve had some gripes about being forced into a play style of “kill ‘em all and let Pelor sort them out” when I’d rather try some sneaking around or some sort of subtle approach to the game. And I have run into two bugs during my playing of the game (I’m currently in Act III – attempting to win the trust of the IronFist clan) but neither of them has been game stopping in any way although both were somewhat annoying.
TANGENT: The first was a looping cinematic scene that made fighting the actual battle that started immediately after the movie very difficult to do. Move two steps, start casting a spell, watch the movie again clicking on all the dialog options again, finish the spell, select another party member, watch the movie again clicking on all the dialog options again, open the inventory and select an item to use, try to target the item but….. watch the movie again clicking on all the same dialog options …again. Anyway, that was irritating but not critical.
LESS OF A TANGENT: The second bug was less odd. At one point I noticed I had a quest in my quest log I didn’t remember getting – and in fact the quest log told me to report back to someone because I’d found the mighty weapon it mentioned. Huh? I had no idea what it was talking about. I tracked down the person who had supposedly given me the quest and he went through a dialog tree that was apparently supposed to set that quest. The quest log stayed at the “return and report” message though. I eventually stumbled into an area with a big baddie and after defeating it I was treated to a little dialog that apparently was the weapon mentioned in the quest. Hurray! Ummmm except for one minor problem. It was the exact same weapon that I had JUST BOUGHT at the vendor right next to the guy who gave me the quest in the first place.
That’s right I went on a quest to obtain a holy weapon that I had just bought. Didn’t someone tell this guy there were two of them? Couldn’t he have said something like – go on this quest to get this holy weapon that is oddly just like the one in your hand right there because you are going to need at least one of them later? I mean really. *sigh*
Well the fact is that he couldn’t have done that because the story in NWN2 is on rails. The choices in NWN2 are limited to what companions you take with you (sometimes), what you equip your character with, and which few side quests there are that you do first. I had to go get the bad guy with the weapon in order to advance the story. It turns out that the weapon quest is a small value side quest for certain character classes. I was going to have that exact same fight in that exact same place and way - no matter what I did.
The other time the plot hammer really irks me in NWN2 is the out doors areas. Most of these areas look terrific and have a lot of character. However, after a while you begin to notice that the outdoors areas are all of two types – a big meadow surrounded by impenetrable barriers and narrow twisty trails surrounded by impenetrable barriers. I really enjoy exploring and every time I’m in an outdoor area in NWN2 I’m forcibly reminded how I can not. The indoors areas work very well in the game and have been one of the strengths of the game so far but almost every time I’m outside I feel irritated that I have to go here along this one particular little trail to get to where I’m going.
I am familiar enough with gaming and even some game development to see why the designers have created the game this way. It all comes down to the economics in the end – there has to be x amount of content and it has to fit together somehow and in between that there is tons of details like AI and world databases and spiffy effects so in all of that balancing it’s easy to make the choice of “ok the player can go here but not there because it’s easier for us to make it work that way”. I see that – and usually I’m forgiving of that. I’m willing to work with the designers because I bought the game to have fun. And it bugs me when something jars me out of the “fun zone” while I’m playing.
Looking back over this I think the whole point of the post was to say: Mordenkinens Plot Hammer. Oh well. Now I’ve said it twice so I should be good to go.
The moral of the story is: immersion is good in a game or any story telling device. And things that disrupt immersion are then, by definition, bad for the vehicle. Poorly wielded plot hammers will break immersion.
BLOG RESTART
In case you were anxiously checking this site waiting for updates I’ll have to apologize to you. I have felt for most of this past year that it wasn’t a good idea to be writing here so what I have written has been private. I’m starting to see signs that things are changing for the better and I also have been a little itchy to write again. Writing is cathartic sometimes and fun sometimes and a really good way for me to find out what I’m thinking.
Anyway I expect to have more posts here soon.
Anyway I expect to have more posts here soon.
Friday, June 30, 2006
OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD
Well trying to earn some money and do what is right has turned out to be a lot more complicated than I had expected it to. After finishing up my first posting I was on my own for a while. I met up with a big, smelly, but nice enough, guy named Sampson. We took on a few odd jobs to earn some coin, while we were playing body guard for to oafs we ran into something awful.
A group of adventurers came along after some disagreements were resolved we ended up going with them to a remote tower to better protect our clients. That evening we were attacked by some sort of nasty undead rats and some scary snake like things. I felt right away that I should do whatever I could to prevent undead from attacking the living. Undead cringe in the glory of the sun and I knew it was my duty to fight them and any who would use them for their own purposes.
Even though the group is a bit, well, odd. The one that claims to be the princess certainly has connections and she treats her poor companion more like a pet than a person so I guess she could be a princess. The poor girl is some sort of pure innocent – unaware of how shamefully she is being used. The sailor seems decent enough, just a man out earning some coin I'd guess. The pretend pirate with airs of superiority, I guess you would call him, is selfish and vain. I suspect he would probably steal everything in site if he thought he could get away with it and might try for something that made him look good even if it was risky. The witch is a bit scary – the first night I met her she really let loose on the pirate so I think I'll just stay out of her way a bit. The really creepy one is the rat-man. Ugh – those guys are ugly up close. The mage is awfully quiet – I don't know much about her. At least there is a Paladin in the group – I feel confident that she would not be involved with a group if there was anything bad about them.
Well, we quickly learned that a stone golem had carried some boxes around the city that later turned out to have more undead in them. I'm glad I didn't meet the mummy – I heard it was a terrifying battle. So off we went. Did I ever mention that I don't like the sea? I know it's a bit odd for someone who lives on an island but my family has always been more involved with the land than the sea – someone has to produce all the things that get shipped.
The sea voyage to the island of the mage creator of the golems was pretty awful. We got caught in a storm – I was doing OK until everyone else in the cabin started loosing their lunches. The smell was all it took for me and up came all my insides too. Ouuugh! The stench and the mess was horrible. I don't think I've ever been so glad to make land fall and spend some time cleaning up.
The locals on the island were pretty wonderful. We ate dinner at a local house and enjoyed telling stories with each other. The next morning we started off to see the wizard. The locals cautioned us about the Ass-weres on the island and that there may be other creatures. I really wish they had been a bit more … well descriptive of the other creatures.
Shortly after starting off we ran into some sort of nasty plant. It whipped long tentacles around trying to grab us. Fortunately they didn't move very well and we were able to rip them apart from a distance. A few hours later we had a horrible experience. A horde of huge, ugly, nasty clicking bugs jumped out of a tree at us. They were horrible one of them jumped right on me and started burrowing in. There was blood, my blood, everywhere and I couldn't pull the damn thing off! I'm still shivering and weak from the bite that nasty thing gave me. Fortunately, with some help I was able to get free from it and they do make a satisfying squish when you land your mace just right.
Next we came to a river without any obvious way across. The current was a bit swift but the barbarian and the sailor thought we could make it across with some ropes. Good thing too since it turned out that the river was full of nasty little fish with a taste for flesh. Sampson jumped most of the way across the river with a rope and tied it onto something there. The rat guy ran right across next and the witch did some magic that just let her stroll across the river. I tried crossing on the ropes, as I got part way across the stupid things came undone and I was plunged into the water. I was terrified again – I could hardly swim with my armor still on and the current wasn't helping me any. I thrashed as well as I could towards the far shore but soon felt the sharp bites from the scaly fish. Blood, my blood, was filling the water around me and the nasty creatures were increasing in fury when Sampson helped me onto the bank of the river. I collapsed there almost un-willing to go any further into the wilderness. If there had been a way back to the village without crossing that river again I'd have taken it right then.
The rest of the group was able to cross the river without incident. We walked a bit further and set up camp for the evening. Hopefully we'll have some time to rest and nourish ourselves around the camp fire this evening. I feel like I'm learning a lot. One thing I've learned is that I really don't like the look of blood, my blood that is, it's not so bad to heal someone else that is hurt but I hate seeing my own. Another thing I've learned for sure is that the wilderness is not much fun. Looking out into the gathering gloom tonight I can hear sounds I can't place. I hope they are harmless fuzzy creatures that are supposed to be more scared of me than I am of them but with the horrible beasts I've met today I'm not so sure of that saying any more.
I'd like to learn some more about my traveling companions as well. I know I have been led to them to fight the evil we encountered but I'm not so certain why the others are here.
A group of adventurers came along after some disagreements were resolved we ended up going with them to a remote tower to better protect our clients. That evening we were attacked by some sort of nasty undead rats and some scary snake like things. I felt right away that I should do whatever I could to prevent undead from attacking the living. Undead cringe in the glory of the sun and I knew it was my duty to fight them and any who would use them for their own purposes.
Even though the group is a bit, well, odd. The one that claims to be the princess certainly has connections and she treats her poor companion more like a pet than a person so I guess she could be a princess. The poor girl is some sort of pure innocent – unaware of how shamefully she is being used. The sailor seems decent enough, just a man out earning some coin I'd guess. The pretend pirate with airs of superiority, I guess you would call him, is selfish and vain. I suspect he would probably steal everything in site if he thought he could get away with it and might try for something that made him look good even if it was risky. The witch is a bit scary – the first night I met her she really let loose on the pirate so I think I'll just stay out of her way a bit. The really creepy one is the rat-man. Ugh – those guys are ugly up close. The mage is awfully quiet – I don't know much about her. At least there is a Paladin in the group – I feel confident that she would not be involved with a group if there was anything bad about them.
Well, we quickly learned that a stone golem had carried some boxes around the city that later turned out to have more undead in them. I'm glad I didn't meet the mummy – I heard it was a terrifying battle. So off we went. Did I ever mention that I don't like the sea? I know it's a bit odd for someone who lives on an island but my family has always been more involved with the land than the sea – someone has to produce all the things that get shipped.
The sea voyage to the island of the mage creator of the golems was pretty awful. We got caught in a storm – I was doing OK until everyone else in the cabin started loosing their lunches. The smell was all it took for me and up came all my insides too. Ouuugh! The stench and the mess was horrible. I don't think I've ever been so glad to make land fall and spend some time cleaning up.
The locals on the island were pretty wonderful. We ate dinner at a local house and enjoyed telling stories with each other. The next morning we started off to see the wizard. The locals cautioned us about the Ass-weres on the island and that there may be other creatures. I really wish they had been a bit more … well descriptive of the other creatures.
Shortly after starting off we ran into some sort of nasty plant. It whipped long tentacles around trying to grab us. Fortunately they didn't move very well and we were able to rip them apart from a distance. A few hours later we had a horrible experience. A horde of huge, ugly, nasty clicking bugs jumped out of a tree at us. They were horrible one of them jumped right on me and started burrowing in. There was blood, my blood, everywhere and I couldn't pull the damn thing off! I'm still shivering and weak from the bite that nasty thing gave me. Fortunately, with some help I was able to get free from it and they do make a satisfying squish when you land your mace just right.
Next we came to a river without any obvious way across. The current was a bit swift but the barbarian and the sailor thought we could make it across with some ropes. Good thing too since it turned out that the river was full of nasty little fish with a taste for flesh. Sampson jumped most of the way across the river with a rope and tied it onto something there. The rat guy ran right across next and the witch did some magic that just let her stroll across the river. I tried crossing on the ropes, as I got part way across the stupid things came undone and I was plunged into the water. I was terrified again – I could hardly swim with my armor still on and the current wasn't helping me any. I thrashed as well as I could towards the far shore but soon felt the sharp bites from the scaly fish. Blood, my blood, was filling the water around me and the nasty creatures were increasing in fury when Sampson helped me onto the bank of the river. I collapsed there almost un-willing to go any further into the wilderness. If there had been a way back to the village without crossing that river again I'd have taken it right then.
The rest of the group was able to cross the river without incident. We walked a bit further and set up camp for the evening. Hopefully we'll have some time to rest and nourish ourselves around the camp fire this evening. I feel like I'm learning a lot. One thing I've learned is that I really don't like the look of blood, my blood that is, it's not so bad to heal someone else that is hurt but I hate seeing my own. Another thing I've learned for sure is that the wilderness is not much fun. Looking out into the gathering gloom tonight I can hear sounds I can't place. I hope they are harmless fuzzy creatures that are supposed to be more scared of me than I am of them but with the horrible beasts I've met today I'm not so sure of that saying any more.
I'd like to learn some more about my traveling companions as well. I know I have been led to them to fight the evil we encountered but I'm not so certain why the others are here.
Monday, May 08, 2006
WACK-JOB NATION
Lately I’ve been listening to Coast to Coast AM with George Noory. My sister got me started on it – apparently Art Bell usually does the show but he is off in the Philippines setting up a new studio so in the meantime George is doing the broadcasts.
I have to say I’m sickly fascinated by the show. Privately I refer to it as Whack-Job nation since most of what they talk about is just totally out there. For example various types of werewolves, conspiracy theories, paranormal experiences, and the old stand-by UFO stories. Usually I am completely at odds with what ever they are talking about. I’m rather more skeptical.
Even so it’s fun to listen to. I’m mostly fascinated by the people that call in to it. Do people really believe these things? Well of course they do but how is it possible. Is it just that my frame of reference is so different than theirs that I can’t comprehend why they believe such things?
I suppose that is the point, after all, life is subjective. There is no one person with an absolute lock on what is or is not real. We all experience life through our own filters and color every experience with our own expectations and beliefs. Have you ever talked with someone and realized later that they only heard the part of what you were saying that they liked or agreed with or tried to remember something with someone else who was also there and each of you had different recollections? This is the phenomenon that I’m talking about. We all see things our own way. This doesn’t make me right and them wrong. In fact referring to them all as wack-jobs is simply an ego defense trying to make me feel better than them. Perhaps with someone else’s experiences I would hold different opinions too.
Well, the program provides one thing in abundance and that is entertainment. And to me that is the primary point of the program. Others may find it educational or affirming but to me it’s mostly silly and pleasant.
I have to say I’m sickly fascinated by the show. Privately I refer to it as Whack-Job nation since most of what they talk about is just totally out there. For example various types of werewolves, conspiracy theories, paranormal experiences, and the old stand-by UFO stories. Usually I am completely at odds with what ever they are talking about. I’m rather more skeptical.
Even so it’s fun to listen to. I’m mostly fascinated by the people that call in to it. Do people really believe these things? Well of course they do but how is it possible. Is it just that my frame of reference is so different than theirs that I can’t comprehend why they believe such things?
I suppose that is the point, after all, life is subjective. There is no one person with an absolute lock on what is or is not real. We all experience life through our own filters and color every experience with our own expectations and beliefs. Have you ever talked with someone and realized later that they only heard the part of what you were saying that they liked or agreed with or tried to remember something with someone else who was also there and each of you had different recollections? This is the phenomenon that I’m talking about. We all see things our own way. This doesn’t make me right and them wrong. In fact referring to them all as wack-jobs is simply an ego defense trying to make me feel better than them. Perhaps with someone else’s experiences I would hold different opinions too.
Well, the program provides one thing in abundance and that is entertainment. And to me that is the primary point of the program. Others may find it educational or affirming but to me it’s mostly silly and pleasant.
Friday, May 05, 2006
GAME MEMORIES
I was reading a friends blog today and it got me thinking about past game memories. I had a lot of fun playing games - especially with my friends. My buddy has quite a few "Game Moments" written up on his site. I felt like writing one of my own so I did and sent it to him. Here it is on this site too.
Guest Game Moment – Falcon 4.0
This is my all time favorite moment playing Falcon 4.0, a game Jay and I played a lot. The game had many flaws but it left some of my strongest game playing memories. The way the world worked and the battle field changed was something to behold. It was also stunningly gorgeous to look at. Nothing, at the time, even came close to how great it looked. I recall the first time I looked out through the reflections of my cockpit at the world spread out below me. I gasped it was so stunning.
I love the simulation aspect of many games and the more “real” I can make it the better I enjoy the game so I always played from inside the cockpit with a view of the instrumentation and the canopy. While the game engine supported switching to outside views I always felt that if I couldn’t check my own six from inside the cockpit I shouldn’t be flying a Falcon.
The hardest thing to learn in this game was the landings. I don’t even recall how may sets of landing gear I ripped off learning how to feather that plane down onto a runway. It was a point of pride to learn how to do it right with me and I spent a long time learning how to approach, line up, glide in and finally flare just right to squeal onto the tarmac without ruining a multi-million dollar (simulated) plane.
My weakest part of the game was air to air combat. Jay was great at that – his understanding of air to air tactics and resource (height, speed, weapons) management was unparalleled. I learned a ton just getting smoked out of the sky by him. Jay was always great to fly with – he has a great blend of aggressiveness and common sense. I tend to be more careful and Jay always pushed me to play just a bit harder. He may have briefly regretted that during this particular mission.
Anyway, Jay and I started up a new campaign one day and signed ourselves up for a mud moving mission. This particular mission had us hitting one of the games favorite first day targets a ship yard. We were loaded down with 500 lb bombs and wing-tip sidewinder missiles for air to air defense. We took off, formed up and headed to our first nav point. I loved listening to the chatter in this game as different flights called their positions and reports in.
Shortly after we passed over the FLOT we were passing to the west of an enemy air base. We were trying to stay out of trouble since we were loaded down with bombs and besides we had a CAP to take care of us right? As we were nearly abreast of the field we got a radar warning lock from a MiG-21. Looking over it was in visual range and had apparently just taken off from the strip. He was low and slow and probably shouldn’t have announced his presence. Jay locked him up and fired. Splash one. We looked around briefly but seeing no more immediate threats turned back towards our target. No sooner had we done so that another MiG-21 jumped us. Some how, this bandit had snuck up behind us. We were heavy and slow to turn or climb – the MiG-21 picked Jay as his first target and quickly maneuvered into gun range. Jay pulled right into a high yo-yo hoping to bring him around in front of me to get a shot. I tried a snap shot as he crossed in front but missed him.
At this point we were in trouble, Jay had a bad guy on his six and I missed the shot and was trying with everything I had to roll my plane onto him. Jay continued to climb and turn right, I was loosing ground on them trying to pull the same maneuver – Jay was always better at energy management than I was. I couldn’t even roll over far enough to get my radar to lock on the bogie since it was in a vertical sweep mode. Guns were out as I was loosing ground on them my only hope was to get a sidewinder off at him. I called out over the “radio” that I was un-caging my seeker head. The seeker heads of the sidewinder missiles were usually slaved to the planes radar to achieve their initial lock on. This makes it easier to pick a bad guy from a friendly. But with the bad guy out of the plain of my radar sweep that wasn’t going to help. Un-caging the seeker allowed it to roam the sky in its own independent pattern looking for a heat source to lock onto.
Jay called back – “Wait, don’t”. I replied “It’s the only way.” I was pretty familiar with the pattern that the seeker head would follow as it looked for a target and I was almost positive that it would acquire the MiG-21 before it found Jay. As I un-caged the seeker I quickly heard the growling tone that indicated it had a target and it was a loud, certain tone. I called out “I’ve got tone!” and then “Fox 2”, as I sent the missile on its way. I remember holding my breath as I watched the missile streak away towards Jay and the MiG. Who would it go after? The MiG broke off of Jay to try and turn away from the incoming missile but it was to late, it turns out that I did have a good lock and he had bled off to much energy trying to get Jay. BOOM! Splash one for me!
I don’t remember what we did next – I think we might have aborted the mission at that point, but we did live through it to drop bombs another day.
Guest Game Moment – Falcon 4.0
This is my all time favorite moment playing Falcon 4.0, a game Jay and I played a lot. The game had many flaws but it left some of my strongest game playing memories. The way the world worked and the battle field changed was something to behold. It was also stunningly gorgeous to look at. Nothing, at the time, even came close to how great it looked. I recall the first time I looked out through the reflections of my cockpit at the world spread out below me. I gasped it was so stunning.
I love the simulation aspect of many games and the more “real” I can make it the better I enjoy the game so I always played from inside the cockpit with a view of the instrumentation and the canopy. While the game engine supported switching to outside views I always felt that if I couldn’t check my own six from inside the cockpit I shouldn’t be flying a Falcon.
The hardest thing to learn in this game was the landings. I don’t even recall how may sets of landing gear I ripped off learning how to feather that plane down onto a runway. It was a point of pride to learn how to do it right with me and I spent a long time learning how to approach, line up, glide in and finally flare just right to squeal onto the tarmac without ruining a multi-million dollar (simulated) plane.
My weakest part of the game was air to air combat. Jay was great at that – his understanding of air to air tactics and resource (height, speed, weapons) management was unparalleled. I learned a ton just getting smoked out of the sky by him. Jay was always great to fly with – he has a great blend of aggressiveness and common sense. I tend to be more careful and Jay always pushed me to play just a bit harder. He may have briefly regretted that during this particular mission.
Anyway, Jay and I started up a new campaign one day and signed ourselves up for a mud moving mission. This particular mission had us hitting one of the games favorite first day targets a ship yard. We were loaded down with 500 lb bombs and wing-tip sidewinder missiles for air to air defense. We took off, formed up and headed to our first nav point. I loved listening to the chatter in this game as different flights called their positions and reports in.
Shortly after we passed over the FLOT we were passing to the west of an enemy air base. We were trying to stay out of trouble since we were loaded down with bombs and besides we had a CAP to take care of us right? As we were nearly abreast of the field we got a radar warning lock from a MiG-21. Looking over it was in visual range and had apparently just taken off from the strip. He was low and slow and probably shouldn’t have announced his presence. Jay locked him up and fired. Splash one. We looked around briefly but seeing no more immediate threats turned back towards our target. No sooner had we done so that another MiG-21 jumped us. Some how, this bandit had snuck up behind us. We were heavy and slow to turn or climb – the MiG-21 picked Jay as his first target and quickly maneuvered into gun range. Jay pulled right into a high yo-yo hoping to bring him around in front of me to get a shot. I tried a snap shot as he crossed in front but missed him.
At this point we were in trouble, Jay had a bad guy on his six and I missed the shot and was trying with everything I had to roll my plane onto him. Jay continued to climb and turn right, I was loosing ground on them trying to pull the same maneuver – Jay was always better at energy management than I was. I couldn’t even roll over far enough to get my radar to lock on the bogie since it was in a vertical sweep mode. Guns were out as I was loosing ground on them my only hope was to get a sidewinder off at him. I called out over the “radio” that I was un-caging my seeker head. The seeker heads of the sidewinder missiles were usually slaved to the planes radar to achieve their initial lock on. This makes it easier to pick a bad guy from a friendly. But with the bad guy out of the plain of my radar sweep that wasn’t going to help. Un-caging the seeker allowed it to roam the sky in its own independent pattern looking for a heat source to lock onto.
Jay called back – “Wait, don’t”. I replied “It’s the only way.” I was pretty familiar with the pattern that the seeker head would follow as it looked for a target and I was almost positive that it would acquire the MiG-21 before it found Jay. As I un-caged the seeker I quickly heard the growling tone that indicated it had a target and it was a loud, certain tone. I called out “I’ve got tone!” and then “Fox 2”, as I sent the missile on its way. I remember holding my breath as I watched the missile streak away towards Jay and the MiG. Who would it go after? The MiG broke off of Jay to try and turn away from the incoming missile but it was to late, it turns out that I did have a good lock and he had bled off to much energy trying to get Jay. BOOM! Splash one for me!
I don’t remember what we did next – I think we might have aborted the mission at that point, but we did live through it to drop bombs another day.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
WHINEY
I feel really whiny and needy today. This post will probably sound just like that. I’m tried and my eyes hurt. I didn’t sleep very well last night. Yesterday was the sixth anniversary of my sons’ death.
I spent some time at the cemetery and remembering his life. It felt very sad and melancholy. I wasn’t able to just feel since I had a number of other things to do, like taking care of the other children, which kept interrupting. I got some grieving in and hopefully that will help. However, I feel really needy today so I guess I need to process my feelings some more.
Grief is a funny thing it feels lonely to me.
I want to just go away today and be invisible. Sometimes, I wish I still had a reliable method of avoiding feeling – of turning off – of getting away.
It’s good to recognize that feeling and accept that is how I feel. I know I won’t die, I will survive this feeling and things will be better. I can make it right now, I can be present. It just seems hard today.
OK thanks for listening. I’ll try to stop whining now.
I spent some time at the cemetery and remembering his life. It felt very sad and melancholy. I wasn’t able to just feel since I had a number of other things to do, like taking care of the other children, which kept interrupting. I got some grieving in and hopefully that will help. However, I feel really needy today so I guess I need to process my feelings some more.
Grief is a funny thing it feels lonely to me.
I want to just go away today and be invisible. Sometimes, I wish I still had a reliable method of avoiding feeling – of turning off – of getting away.
It’s good to recognize that feeling and accept that is how I feel. I know I won’t die, I will survive this feeling and things will be better. I can make it right now, I can be present. It just seems hard today.
OK thanks for listening. I’ll try to stop whining now.
Friday, November 04, 2005
Loosing
This time of year is hard for me. It took me by surprise this year though. I don’t know why, it shouldn’t because it happens every year. I was feeling low down, low on energy and interest. I was feeling tired and bored. I didn’t like to put forth the effort to be healthy and I just wanted to be alone.
I didn’t figure it out until I was talking with someone in my group and I realized that I was feeling very depressed. As soon as I thought that I immediately realized why I was depressed. In addition to the usual stresses of life and of recovery this is the time of year when I lost my second son following surgery to correct a heart defect. I hadn’t consciously been thinking about that but my body and my sub-conscious remembered and I was reacting to that feeling.
Isn’t it amazing how interconnected all the components of our selves our? A part of me that I am not aware of can affect my feelings both conscious and physical. Amazing.
Recovery works the same way, the limbic system wants to react to its own feelings and give me feelings and desires that I don’t consciously plan or even want. How important then to remain aware. In my group we often say or hear “think and feel about how you think and feel”. I need to remember this all the time but especially now as I think about my feelings and allow myself to feel them.
Plus it is ok to feel depressed and low on energy. I’m a human, and humans feel that way sometimes. I have a valid loss and I have a real need to allow myself to be me. I am also trying to remember that having a very real feel of loss is a chance to turn to God. I feel a loss and I want to escape – I want to run away, to not feel the pain, to react like a vegetable. This is the limbic response to unpleasant feelings. I can feel that way and then choose to be true to myself anyway and face what I feel and allow myself to feel that and then further choose to do what I know I need to do anyway.
As I have been thinking about this and what I would choose to do to respond to it I thought of two ideas. One I need to write how I feel more. And two I need to make sure I am not forgetting to do what I have learned.
One: I would like to journal more. I have been writing down my 9 emotions as an assignment by my therapist. That is OK but I need to get out more than that. Plus just writing them down doesn’t really help me feel any better. I need to take the one step beyond writing them down and share them with someone else. That is part of what is motivating this blog entry. I am going to make some time to share these feelings with my wife. I am going to write more things down.
One of the frustrations I feel right now is that I have been working on some inner child work, however, I am at a point where I can’t do the next step without a group or therapist to help me. My group has been focused on other things instead of what I wanted to do and I don’t have a therapy appointment for a while yet. So I have been indulging in my frustration instead of finding something to do. I realized as I was thinking that I have another recovery workbook that I can work on. I have decided to spend some time working in there again because that will give me a chance to write feelings and thoughts down and also because it will feel like doing something instead of just waiting and finally because I can quit being grandiose about feeling frustrated and just do something about it.
Two: I need to remember what I have learned and not be complacent about where I am at and what I am doing. To that end I have re-written my PCI template. Printed out six copies and I am going to spend the next six weeks filling it out so I don’t forget what I know.
As an exercise as I was working on that PCI I filled out the last two days for myself. On Wednesday I scored a 37 – above the warning line of 35 – and on Thursday I scored a 19. On Wednesday afternoon I felt really bored and was really triggered by it. I kept trying to find something to do and ways to deal with my feelings but it seemed that no matter what I tried I kept feeling triggered and struggled to keep my thoughts real and free of fantasy or recall. Finally I left work early just to get to my home where I usually feel safe and I always find it easier to be trigger free. On Thursday as a reaction to Wednesday I really focused on trying to surrender and be conscious about asking Heavenly Father for help. Looking back on that PCI chart though I can see that on Wednesday I was neglecting my self by poor sleep and eating habits, that I spent to much time isolated in my office, and that I was to willing to browse instead of finding out what I was feeling. Thursday when I was surrendering I was much more aware of my feelings, I took care of my needs and I made efforts to reach out to others. See I forgot on Wednesday what I knew I needed to do. I plan on filling out my charts for the next six weeks to reinforce my skills and remind myself of what I really want and need.
Finally, I was thinking just this morning of sharing my book with my wife. I have been writing a book of LDS based daily affirmations for men in recovery. I have written quite a bit in long hand but lately I have been starting to transcribe what I have written onto my computer. I haven’t really shared any of this with anyone. I am going to send what I have typed to my wife. I don’t know what she will think of it – maybe that it’s a complete waste of my time – but I have just been sitting on that and holding it back and that behavior is not good for me so I’m going to do something different. Wish me luck, it is a bit scary to do because this project has been important to me and I’m afraid that if someone else looks at it they will think it’s a bad idea or that I’m stupid for even trying to do something so big. Anyway, I couldn’t ask for a better person to share it with than my wife, I’m sure my fears, however real they feel to me, are groundless.
I didn’t figure it out until I was talking with someone in my group and I realized that I was feeling very depressed. As soon as I thought that I immediately realized why I was depressed. In addition to the usual stresses of life and of recovery this is the time of year when I lost my second son following surgery to correct a heart defect. I hadn’t consciously been thinking about that but my body and my sub-conscious remembered and I was reacting to that feeling.
Isn’t it amazing how interconnected all the components of our selves our? A part of me that I am not aware of can affect my feelings both conscious and physical. Amazing.
Recovery works the same way, the limbic system wants to react to its own feelings and give me feelings and desires that I don’t consciously plan or even want. How important then to remain aware. In my group we often say or hear “think and feel about how you think and feel”. I need to remember this all the time but especially now as I think about my feelings and allow myself to feel them.
Plus it is ok to feel depressed and low on energy. I’m a human, and humans feel that way sometimes. I have a valid loss and I have a real need to allow myself to be me. I am also trying to remember that having a very real feel of loss is a chance to turn to God. I feel a loss and I want to escape – I want to run away, to not feel the pain, to react like a vegetable. This is the limbic response to unpleasant feelings. I can feel that way and then choose to be true to myself anyway and face what I feel and allow myself to feel that and then further choose to do what I know I need to do anyway.
As I have been thinking about this and what I would choose to do to respond to it I thought of two ideas. One I need to write how I feel more. And two I need to make sure I am not forgetting to do what I have learned.
One: I would like to journal more. I have been writing down my 9 emotions as an assignment by my therapist. That is OK but I need to get out more than that. Plus just writing them down doesn’t really help me feel any better. I need to take the one step beyond writing them down and share them with someone else. That is part of what is motivating this blog entry. I am going to make some time to share these feelings with my wife. I am going to write more things down.
One of the frustrations I feel right now is that I have been working on some inner child work, however, I am at a point where I can’t do the next step without a group or therapist to help me. My group has been focused on other things instead of what I wanted to do and I don’t have a therapy appointment for a while yet. So I have been indulging in my frustration instead of finding something to do. I realized as I was thinking that I have another recovery workbook that I can work on. I have decided to spend some time working in there again because that will give me a chance to write feelings and thoughts down and also because it will feel like doing something instead of just waiting and finally because I can quit being grandiose about feeling frustrated and just do something about it.
Two: I need to remember what I have learned and not be complacent about where I am at and what I am doing. To that end I have re-written my PCI template. Printed out six copies and I am going to spend the next six weeks filling it out so I don’t forget what I know.
As an exercise as I was working on that PCI I filled out the last two days for myself. On Wednesday I scored a 37 – above the warning line of 35 – and on Thursday I scored a 19. On Wednesday afternoon I felt really bored and was really triggered by it. I kept trying to find something to do and ways to deal with my feelings but it seemed that no matter what I tried I kept feeling triggered and struggled to keep my thoughts real and free of fantasy or recall. Finally I left work early just to get to my home where I usually feel safe and I always find it easier to be trigger free. On Thursday as a reaction to Wednesday I really focused on trying to surrender and be conscious about asking Heavenly Father for help. Looking back on that PCI chart though I can see that on Wednesday I was neglecting my self by poor sleep and eating habits, that I spent to much time isolated in my office, and that I was to willing to browse instead of finding out what I was feeling. Thursday when I was surrendering I was much more aware of my feelings, I took care of my needs and I made efforts to reach out to others. See I forgot on Wednesday what I knew I needed to do. I plan on filling out my charts for the next six weeks to reinforce my skills and remind myself of what I really want and need.
Finally, I was thinking just this morning of sharing my book with my wife. I have been writing a book of LDS based daily affirmations for men in recovery. I have written quite a bit in long hand but lately I have been starting to transcribe what I have written onto my computer. I haven’t really shared any of this with anyone. I am going to send what I have typed to my wife. I don’t know what she will think of it – maybe that it’s a complete waste of my time – but I have just been sitting on that and holding it back and that behavior is not good for me so I’m going to do something different. Wish me luck, it is a bit scary to do because this project has been important to me and I’m afraid that if someone else looks at it they will think it’s a bad idea or that I’m stupid for even trying to do something so big. Anyway, I couldn’t ask for a better person to share it with than my wife, I’m sure my fears, however real they feel to me, are groundless.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
OBLIGITORY REVENGE OF THE SITH POST
Well I liked this movie. I have to agree with many critics that the acting, for the most part was lackluster but I did enjoy the preformances by Ian McDermid and Ewan McGregor. The rest of the acting was somewhat leaden and un-interesting.
I felt more emotion in viewing the film than in episodes 1 and 2. I particularly liked the scene (without spoiling) where Obi-Wan walks away from Anikin near the end of the show. There were a few other moments that stand out to me as well, overall the film left me with a sense of sadness for the plight of most of the characters. The theme of choice and accountability were strongly presented as Anikin is forced to confront Padme with the results of his own choices and the position it placed her in.
Visually the movie was STUNNING. Wonderful space battle at the begining. Many shots of coursicant. Great lightsaber and force battles. Lucas is a master of visual arts and it shows. I wish he was as good at dialog and storytelling as he is visually.
Only one beastie really jumped out at me and said "HI-I'm-Made-For-The-Toy-Market".
I wish there were more loveable scoundrels but I guess Han stands alone in that department with Lucas.
Overall I rate the movie pretty highly in my ranking of Star Wars movies. I'm torn between ranking it 2nd behind Empire or 3rd behind A New Hope. I've only seen the show twice so I may have to check it out one more time.
I felt more emotion in viewing the film than in episodes 1 and 2. I particularly liked the scene (without spoiling) where Obi-Wan walks away from Anikin near the end of the show. There were a few other moments that stand out to me as well, overall the film left me with a sense of sadness for the plight of most of the characters. The theme of choice and accountability were strongly presented as Anikin is forced to confront Padme with the results of his own choices and the position it placed her in.
Visually the movie was STUNNING. Wonderful space battle at the begining. Many shots of coursicant. Great lightsaber and force battles. Lucas is a master of visual arts and it shows. I wish he was as good at dialog and storytelling as he is visually.
Only one beastie really jumped out at me and said "HI-I'm-Made-For-The-Toy-Market".
I wish there were more loveable scoundrels but I guess Han stands alone in that department with Lucas.
Overall I rate the movie pretty highly in my ranking of Star Wars movies. I'm torn between ranking it 2nd behind Empire or 3rd behind A New Hope. I've only seen the show twice so I may have to check it out one more time.
Monday, April 25, 2005
DISSAPOINTMENT
So I didn’t go on my trip. I’m pretty disappointed to miss out on it. Someone said things to me to give me cause to think it wasn’t a good idea. I listened. I thought about what was said. I agreed with the advice. I asked for a reality check from another advisor who also agreed. Crap.
It’s not fun to be disappointed. It’s not fun to be faced with the fact that I don’t always get “my way” all the time. I suppose that is just life. In fact one advisor told me that it’s good to practice being disappointed. It’s OK to feel it since it’s a normal part of life. The trick is how we respond to it.
So I tried to respond healthily. I planned other activities for my weekend. I got a lot accomplished. And when I went to my planned reward, a local AAA baseball game it started raining. Seriously, it was a beautiful day until I drove to the game, then it started to sprinkle. I got to the ball park around 5:30 for a 6:30 start. I bought a brat and a large drink and found my seat. It was a gentle sprinkle falling; the sky looked cloudy but unthreatening. Then it started raining harder, I took shelter under the stands, the sky got darker. The game was delayed once, then again. The rain slowed. The ground crew came out, I retook my seat. They painted the chalk lines on the first and third base lines. The ground crew covered the field back up. I waited. The announcer said they were tracking a storm on radar just south of the stadium. It started raining harder. At 7:46 the announcer said the game was rained out. Crap. Disappointed. Again. Crap.
In fact, it seems, right now, that life is full of disappointments. I experienced one last night. I’m anticipating one on Saturday. Things don’t go the way I hope or want and, bam, disappointment. The question I have is what to do about it. Well part of me wants to just run away and pretend the hurt isn’t there. Part of me wants to get angry and rail and complain (can you tell I’m complaining a bit in this post?) Part of me wants to just go back to bed, another escape.
I guess the rest of me thinks like this: I’m still OK even though things don’t go how I want. I think I can survive being disappointed. I think I can find something to enjoy even when larger things go wrong. I think I can care for myself still. I think I can choose not to pout (very much). I think I can make the best of my situation.
The final line makes a lot of sense to me. I can make the best of this situation. I have always been optimistic, even overly so, but I do believe in trying to find what I can in any situation and be grateful for that little happiness even if the overall situation is not ideal or even desirable. I can make the best of disappointment.
I missed my MLB game; I’m going to another one later. I missed my AAA game; they will exchange my ticket stub for another game. I was disappointed the other night; I can hope for the future. I anticipate being disappointed on Saturday; I know that what is happening is right and I can be glad to be there to share in the joy.
Now, if you will excuse me. I'm going to go get a cheeseburger.
It’s not fun to be disappointed. It’s not fun to be faced with the fact that I don’t always get “my way” all the time. I suppose that is just life. In fact one advisor told me that it’s good to practice being disappointed. It’s OK to feel it since it’s a normal part of life. The trick is how we respond to it.
So I tried to respond healthily. I planned other activities for my weekend. I got a lot accomplished. And when I went to my planned reward, a local AAA baseball game it started raining. Seriously, it was a beautiful day until I drove to the game, then it started to sprinkle. I got to the ball park around 5:30 for a 6:30 start. I bought a brat and a large drink and found my seat. It was a gentle sprinkle falling; the sky looked cloudy but unthreatening. Then it started raining harder, I took shelter under the stands, the sky got darker. The game was delayed once, then again. The rain slowed. The ground crew came out, I retook my seat. They painted the chalk lines on the first and third base lines. The ground crew covered the field back up. I waited. The announcer said they were tracking a storm on radar just south of the stadium. It started raining harder. At 7:46 the announcer said the game was rained out. Crap. Disappointed. Again. Crap.
In fact, it seems, right now, that life is full of disappointments. I experienced one last night. I’m anticipating one on Saturday. Things don’t go the way I hope or want and, bam, disappointment. The question I have is what to do about it. Well part of me wants to just run away and pretend the hurt isn’t there. Part of me wants to get angry and rail and complain (can you tell I’m complaining a bit in this post?) Part of me wants to just go back to bed, another escape.
I guess the rest of me thinks like this: I’m still OK even though things don’t go how I want. I think I can survive being disappointed. I think I can find something to enjoy even when larger things go wrong. I think I can care for myself still. I think I can choose not to pout (very much). I think I can make the best of my situation.
The final line makes a lot of sense to me. I can make the best of this situation. I have always been optimistic, even overly so, but I do believe in trying to find what I can in any situation and be grateful for that little happiness even if the overall situation is not ideal or even desirable. I can make the best of disappointment.
I missed my MLB game; I’m going to another one later. I missed my AAA game; they will exchange my ticket stub for another game. I was disappointed the other night; I can hope for the future. I anticipate being disappointed on Saturday; I know that what is happening is right and I can be glad to be there to share in the joy.
Now, if you will excuse me. I'm going to go get a cheeseburger.
Monday, April 11, 2005
STILL WAITING
The best all time comic strip is still Order of the Stick but I'm still waiting for the book I ordered way back in January. I pre-pre ordered my book as you will recall. I've been anxiously awaiting the arrival of it. The expectations were set that it would arrive at the end of march or beginning of april. I really really hoped to get it for my Birthday on april 8th. No such luck, not even an e-mail indication that it has shipped.
From the indications I can pick up on the OOtS site and message boards, there were some complications with shipping lables and boxes. I really really hope to get it soon. It would be a blast to have it for my trip since my current thinking is that I want to be really relaxed and it would be a super fun book to relax with.
From the indications I can pick up on the OOtS site and message boards, there were some complications with shipping lables and boxes. I really really hope to get it soon. It would be a blast to have it for my trip since my current thinking is that I want to be really relaxed and it would be a super fun book to relax with.
TRIP
I'm planning a trip up to see the Rockies play baseball in two weeks. I'm pretty excited about going. I enjoy baseball just as a sport, I like the pitcher / batter duel, I like the pace of the game and I enjoy the statistics that are tracked for all parts of the game.
But going to a MLB game is something else entirely. I get all the parts of baseball that I like plus a relaxed major sporting crowd. I've found that I can almost always find someone around me in the stands who has been to every game since 19long time ago and enjoys telling stories about the team and players. In the stands I find dogs with 'kraut taste better. I buy a scorecard and fill it out. I get there early to watch the batting practice and the ground crew.
I'm pretty pumped about going. YAY!
But going to a MLB game is something else entirely. I get all the parts of baseball that I like plus a relaxed major sporting crowd. I've found that I can almost always find someone around me in the stands who has been to every game since 19long time ago and enjoys telling stories about the team and players. In the stands I find dogs with 'kraut taste better. I buy a scorecard and fill it out. I get there early to watch the batting practice and the ground crew.
I'm pretty pumped about going. YAY!
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
WHAT IS ACCOUNTABILITY
What does accountability look like. Does it look like this?
I feel like I have been honest in admitting my mistakes and sins. I feel like I have honestly strived to do what the Bishop has asked me to do. I go to my group meetings, I work the 12 steps, I try to be the kind of person I want to be around every day. I make mistakes and I admit them and try to move on. I have changed my life to provide daily activities to remind me of these things. I accept my weakness and work on surrendering what I can't control. I have tried to be open and vulnerable with my wife. I have worked on my communication skills. I attempt to be real. I still have a long way to go, I'll be an addict all the time but I am also a recovering addict. I can see the whirlwind of destruction in my life and in the pain in my wifes voice. I have expressed my sorrow for the hurt I caused her many times. I have tried to support her and do what small things I can to help her in her healing and her life and her interests. Maybe that is all I'll ever have is the wreckage of what is left but I hope for a better day. I don't know, only God does. I can't figure out why things aren't better but I do know that I can do the things He has helped me to learn. I trust that He can help me do what is right. I trust that when I feel that something is right to do I can do it, and that feeling has often lead me to apologize to my wife or to my children. I pray for my wife and my children and myself for what we need and to be able to help each other. I can't erase the past.
Is this accountability? Or am I just crazy on this too?
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