TO MUCH INFORMATION!

I have set a goal for myself of updating this blog at least twice a week. It is good for me to write and get things out - it's a creative exercise which I need and is also sometimes fun. This week I've been reviewing some things I've written for a therapy assignment and doing a little re-writing so my efforts have been focused there at bit rather than here. However, I think some of them I could put in both places..... errr.... so I will. Neah!.

These are bullet point type answers to a series of questions that I was trying to answer. They are not fully complete in and of themselves since they are designed to get thoughts out on paper that can then be discussed. So don't take them to be the end all be all of my thoughts. I suppose you can if you want though. Heck that's not my problem if you do - but if you do and then I surprise you you can't come back to me and say that it's not like what I said on my blog. Heh.

My blog comments will be in this color and answers to the questions will be in this color. Anyhoo without further ado here is one answer to the question what do I feel when I'm upset or uncomfortable:

When I’m upset my feelings are largely based in anger. I feel frustrated at things I can not control and want to escape into something simple and manageable. When I’m uncomfortable – my feelings are often uncertainty – I really dislike new experiences and will worry over and over about what I need to do or be or say or act when I’m about to do something for the first time. I’ll play the event over and over in my mind trying out different possibilities and practicing facial expressions and potential responses I could make. Then I worry self consciously that other people just do this kind of stuff naturally and it’s weird that I have to practice.

I saw a Dilbert cartoon once where Dilbert was talking with Dogbert in the bedroom as Dilbert was preparing for work. Dilbert was practicing his smile in the mirror and Dogbert reminded him that it was time to practice his sneezing. The punch type line was that Dilbert said that other people make it seem so natural. I don't think I'm quite as extreme as that cartoon but I have to admit that sometimes I HAVE practiced saying things or expressions and have worried that I'll do it weirdly. It does seem natural for some people and maybe not for me. It could all be perception since I have no idea what everyone else feels - maybe we are all like that.

One of the questions was what do you believe in. This was a very hard one to answer. There doesn't seem much of a way to condense the question down to simple answers and starting places. I've re-written this one several times and, frankly, I'm still not happy with it - I don't think it captures the depth of what I believe but simply superficially mentions a number of things that I believe in. Again - this isn't an end all be all answer but a good discussion point. It's also not a testimony meeting - I deliberately left much of my religious feelings and beliefs out of the answer to avoid sounding like I was answering a question in Sunday school..

I believe that people should be able to get along. I think selfishness causes most problems in the world, including the ones I create for myself. I believe we are here because of a plan prepared by our Heavenly Father – but we can’t fully understand our place in that plan or how it really works because we are limited in our views in this world. I believe in trying to make things a little bit better. I believe in being a good friend. I believe laughing is one of the best things you can do. I think time spent at home is more valuable than time spent outside of the home. I believe that the rules aren’t always the best solution but are usually trustworthy. I believe we are here to be good friends and to have good friends.

See what I mean? It's to pat - to simple - I'd probably need pages and pages to really answer that question and each day I might give a different answer to that question depending on where I was at that day and what was on my mind. I think there are some good core ideas there but that the medium of answering this question is perhaps to shallow to allow a real answer.

What am I good at what am I bad at?:

I am extremely loyal and hold on to things longer than others would. I try to make things better. I am a peacemaker. I am a great reader and a wonderful cook. I like creating things. I am very funny when I’m comfortable with whom I’m with. I can tell a decent story. However, I’m introverted and struggle to reach out to others. I have to remind myself to listen to others rather than think about what I want to say. I am to often selfish. I am afraid that people I love will leave me. My self confidence is low enough that doing something new is really hard for me to do.

I think that a lot of people struggle with self confidence. The past year I've been practicing doing things for myself to improve that weakness in myself. It's funny but stopping to buy myself a new book or something is an easy way to tell myself that I like myself and I'm good enough and heck, I even deserve good things. That is a surprisingly effective way to improve my self confidence. The connection may not seem obvious but it's there. As I affirm my own value to myself - my reliance on external indicators of value decrease and as a result I am more comfortable with my own self and therefore more confident in my ability to take care of myself. It's not that I convince myself that I'll always do well or succeed but rather that even when I don't I'll still have value to me.

OK, do you know too much about me yet? Well are you still reading? Whew. Well I'll do one more and then quit. This was my favorite question to answer in the whole document (and there were 32 questions that I have answers for). The question was how do I feel about me. It was fun to answer because as I did so I was remembering how I have felt about me in the past and contrasting that to how I feel about me now. I could ramble on about this but I'll let my bullet pointy type answer speak for itself.

I like me. I feel positive about where I’m at and which way I’m going. I am no where near perfect – nor where I want to ultimately be but I’m also much more at ease with myself than I’ve ever been before in my life. I know more about my feelings and thoughts. I understand better why I do what I do. I’m able to form stronger friendships with others. I have learned how better to care for myself and I like doing it. I don’t get drawn into conflict as easily as I once did. I have a better spiritual life than ever before. I fool myself less.