Monday, August 02, 2004


Ok so I'm a big coward. I have been doing plenty of self discovery in the last year and I just seem to keep learning things about myself. Some of the things that I have learned I haven't really liked very much.

One thing that I've just learned is how afraid I am of things. I have spent most of my life trying to insulate myself from people because of this fear. I've learned how to avoid talking about feelings, I've learned how to get other people to avoid talking about feelings and I got so good at it that I would have denied that I even had any feelings. This fear was so deep and fundamental that I instinctivly ran from any situation that would require feeling.

Oh, I got married, and I had friends and I can function normaly in society but I was running all the same.

I would often play the role of a nice guy or of a caring guy or what ever role I instinctivly thought would assist me to cope with these fears all the while denying I was doing anything wrong. But what I did do was basically create a shell me that did my interacting with other people while the real me felt lonely and sacred somewhere inside.

I'm not exactly sure what I can do about this right now. I am working on being a real genuine person but I notice that some interactions I have I feel fear. The fear I feel seems to be a fear of loss. I think I'm afraid of being pushed away or left alone or even un-considered. I guess observing that it's happening is the first step. I'm not sure what I can do about it, but I know I would like to do something.

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