Friday, January 14, 2005


PCI: 27
Filter: 7

So I feel lost. I don’t know if I should trust my own feelings or if I should trust what my wife tells me or if I should look for some other reference frame or what.

I argued with my wife the last few days. She found an excel spread sheet with the names of books and their authors that caught my eye at one point in time or other. Some of the books had content that just isn’t good for me. By that I mean that some of the books had elements of sex or bondage or drug use or slavery or other concepts that I have a hard time getting out of my head once they get in there. Basically those are bad for me. Some of the books were completely harmless. Some of the books would some people wouldn’t like and other would. For example murder mysteries or forensic pathology detective work or creepy supernatural horror stories.

The place I’m at is like this. I though I was hearing the message that I can’t like any of those books above and still be a good person.

I don’t believe that. I agree that it would be a mistake to read books with unhealthy content but what about the others? It was a mistake to even list a book that I knew might feed my lustful desires. And I hope that if I came across some of the books I had put on list then that I wouldn’t now.

I believe that it’s not inherently wrong to enjoy the fascinating blend of science and detective work found in a compelling story of forensic pathology, or to enjoy the story of a contest to stop a killer before he kills again. I don’t think it’s wrong to enjoy a story where the hero faces monstrous or frightening supernormal phenomena wondering all along if he can escape the dangers. Or to enjoy a book discussing social and political relationships or structures set in the guise of science fiction.

I know that my wife really doesn’t like the type of stories I just mentioned but I really do and I always have.

Her point, as best I understand it, is that these stories violate her principles of goodness, respect (especially towards women), kindness, reality, purity and nobleness and she doesn’t want them in her life.

My point is that some of them are OK for the occasional use as entertainment and those that aren’t I want to avoid.

My fear here is this: I am afraid that this argument is just a justification for her to believe that I’m some sort of creep and that I’m hopeless and unable to improve. Furthermore, I fear that if I agree that all the stories I like are bad that something else will be next. Maybe sports, or the way I do things around the house or how I interact with the kids, or the kinds of friends I have or the way I dress myself or something else. Perhaps that fear is irrational.

I don’t know. That is the point of my first sentence. I feel lost. I am lost; I have no refuge, no shelter. I feel unsafe. I feel bereft of comfort. I reread her point and my point above and I don’t know if I’m crazy or not.

Sometimes when I get sick I get dizzy. When that happens to me I reach out my arm and touch the wall near my bed. Somehow that helps me. Knowing that the wall isn’t moving proves to me somehow that I’m not spinning around either. I need a wall like that now. I’m keeping up with my daily spiritual activities hoping that they help me find that wall and I believe that God loves me and will help me find what I need.

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