Tuesday, January 11, 2005


Filter: 3
PCI: ?

I need to start tracking my PCI again. I feel a bit out of control, I’m not acting crazy yet but I feel the edge getting closer. The PCI helps me see where I’m getting close to that edge and makes it easy for me to change specific behaviors.

I think the worst think I’m doing right now is living in fantasy. I’m facing a personal crisis in my primary relationship and I just don’t know where to take it. I’m having a hard time staying in the present and instead spend time wondering about what life would be like if I were divorced and what will happen at kids birthdays and what kind of life will I live and how will I feel about it.

I am afraid of that eventuality. I’ve been separated for over a year now and mostly I hate it but there is a secret part of me that loves the independence. I hate being so far from my wonderful kids though, and I worry what affect this will have on them later in their lives.

I don’t feel like I can be me much though. I just finished a really hard exercise with my therapist where I symbolically drew all the shameful and traumatic experiences in my life. It gushed out of me when I went to draw it but I’ve felt stressed since then. Having the symbol of my pain in front of me to look at is both comforting and stressing. In this exercise I discovered that I have a very hard time trusting people, in fact I usually only trust them to betray or hurt me in some way. So I preemptively withdraw to avoid that pain. I also discovered that I have a great tendency to allow myself to be used by others. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised by that but there it was in color in front of me.

Since then I’ve noticed a few interactions with people in my life where I felt used. I haven’t felt safe enough to confront either of the people that I felt were doing this to me but I did notice it happening and I could identify the source of my anger. My anger is manifesting as depression and, I suspect, a biting sense of humor.

So what to do? Well, first of all I’m going to start tracking my PCI again so I don’t use my anger as a way to get crazy. Last year my goal was to learn to play stones (a song from the Ultima series of games), and I did manage to learn the right hand part. I feel pretty good about that goal, not a stunning success but nevertheless something I was able to do. This year I think I’d like to loose two inches off my waist. My 34 inch pants don’t fit so well anymore. I’m going to do crunches and leg lifts and eat better portions in addition to the upper back exercises I do.

None of that helps my relationships directly but I guess I’ll feel better about myself and I expect that will have some relevance to my relationships.

I’d like to feel safe with someone though. I wonder what I need to do to be able to trust someone fully. I can’t expect someone to read my mind and do it for me. I am more in touch with my own feelings and I’m getting better at sharing them but there are times when I don’t since I don’t feel safe doing so. That is perhaps a weakness that I should work on, sharing my feelings even when I don’t feel safe. Hmmm, but I have to be careful there since sharing feelings is a chance to build relationships but it also makes me vulnerable to being hurt and that tears down a relationship.

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